Dear Mr. Holder, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

February 20, 2009

Eric Holder, Attorney General
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20530-0001

Generalissimo Holder,

I am not a large fan of government, but I realize it has purposes. A pleasant example is the formulation and honoring of treaties with other nations. My favorite duty of government is the killing of Islamo-crazies that threaten this nation and the Western World. We seem to do that well. Since 9-11 there have been no terrorist attacks on this soil. I certainly hope the Obama Administration has the vigilance the “Texan” had. I am already starting to miss that steely eyed rancher.

I am concerned about a recent speech you gave in front of your minions at the Justice Department. This speech concerned Black History Month. Concerning race, you described Americans as a “nation of cowards”. Keeping with your coward motif, you believe that most Americans “retreat to our race protected cocoons.” Well I live in a Tower sir! An Iron one!

I am a white dude. And I am going to give the typical white response when one is called a cowardly racist. I feel compelled to tell you I have black friends. As a matter of fact I recently enjoyed a couple of pints with them on January 29, 2009 . One of them is a burly, follicle challenged (bald), boisterous, former college football player. He could break a lot of men in half with his pinky. He’s very proud of his daughter, and coaches kids on the side. He is also terrific with impressions, and can imitate anyone in our circle of friends (and enemies) at a drop of a hat. He does at times speak in riddles, but we all have our crosses to bear.

My other black friend that joined us that evening was my former boss. This soft spoken, at times sarcastic, buddy I have known for years. During a terrible time in my life he was incredibly supportive. Now he is a college professor. Aside from being a super genius, he is also a marital arts instructor.

I hope I have established my non racist credentials. Now to the purpose of this missive. I had the chance to peruse your web site. This was the job description given for Attorney General:

“The Attorney General represents the United States in legal matters generally and gives advice and opinions to the President and to the heads of the executive departments of the Government when so requested. In matters of exceptional gravity or importance the Attorney General appears in person before the Supreme Court. Since the 1870 Act that established the Department of Justice as an executive department of the government of the United States, the Attorney General has guided the world’s largest law office and the central agency for enforcement of federal laws.”

No where does it state to give the American public advice and opinions on whom to hang out with or where to live? So what if I want to live like a caterpillar. Even if I was a backwoods, toothless, racist cracker from The Pine Barrens; it is none of your business. Listening to your pedantic scolding of America, one could forget that a lot of whitey voted for Obama. And because of that election, you have an extremely powerful position yourself. So get over it!!!!

So I apologize, Commissar Holder, for only hanging out with two black friends during that evening. The last time I checked, I don’t have any Eskimo friends. Can the Racial Integrity Unit of the Justice Department provide me with an Alaskan pen pal? Mr. Holder, do you have any Eskimo friends? Or perhaps you can be my pen pal? I describe myself as a portly, fortyish, white guy with a Spanish surname. How’s that for diversity. Please provide a response to correct my cowardice.


Brian Lopez
The Iron Tower
16 South Ave. West
Suite # 220
Cranford, N.J.

2 thoughts on “Dear Mr. Holder, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

  1. Dear Mr. Lopez, I just happen to have two friends who live in the “Pine Barrens”, we refer to them as “Piney’s”..
    And both of them happen to be well educated professionals. I dont think its fair to lump in all “Pine Barrens dwellers” into your negative statement.
    Thanks- Mr. G!
    (PS: Jackson, NJ is the home of the “Piney’s”!)

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