Dear Mr. Holder, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

February 20, 2009

Eric Holder, Attorney General
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20530-0001

Generalissimo Holder,

I am not a large fan of government, but I realize it has purposes. A pleasant example is the formulation and honoring of treaties with other nations. My favorite duty of government is the killing of Islamo-crazies that threaten this nation and the Western World. We seem to do that well. Since 9-11 there have been no terrorist attacks on this soil. I certainly hope the Obama Administration has the vigilance the “Texan” had. I am already starting to miss that steely eyed rancher.

I am concerned about a recent speech you gave in front of your minions at the Justice Department. This speech concerned Black History Month. Concerning race, you described Americans as a “nation of cowards”. Keeping with your coward motif, you believe that most Americans “retreat to our race protected cocoons.” Well I live in a Tower sir! An Iron one!

I am a white dude. And I am going to give the typical white response when one is called a cowardly racist. I feel compelled to tell you I have black friends. As a matter of fact I recently enjoyed a couple of pints with them on January 29, 2009 . One of them is a burly, follicle challenged (bald), boisterous, former college football player. He could break a lot of men in half with his pinky. He’s very proud of his daughter, and coaches kids on the side. He is also terrific with impressions, and can imitate anyone in our circle of friends (and enemies) at a drop of a hat. He does at times speak in riddles, but we all have our crosses to bear.

My other black friend that joined us that evening was my former boss. This soft spoken, at times sarcastic, buddy I have known for years. During a terrible time in my life he was incredibly supportive. Now he is a college professor. Aside from being a super genius, he is also a marital arts instructor.

I hope I have established my non racist credentials. Now to the purpose of this missive. I had the chance to peruse your web site. This was the job description given for Attorney General:

“The Attorney General represents the United States in legal matters generally and gives advice and opinions to the President and to the heads of the executive departments of the Government when so requested. In matters of exceptional gravity or importance the Attorney General appears in person before the Supreme Court. Since the 1870 Act that established the Department of Justice as an executive department of the government of the United States, the Attorney General has guided the world’s largest law office and the central agency for enforcement of federal laws.”

No where does it state to give the American public advice and opinions on whom to hang out with or where to live? So what if I want to live like a caterpillar. Even if I was a backwoods, toothless, racist cracker from The Pine Barrens; it is none of your business. Listening to your pedantic scolding of America, one could forget that a lot of whitey voted for Obama. And because of that election, you have an extremely powerful position yourself. So get over it!!!!

So I apologize, Commissar Holder, for only hanging out with two black friends during that evening. The last time I checked, I don’t have any Eskimo friends. Can the Racial Integrity Unit of the Justice Department provide me with an Alaskan pen pal? Mr. Holder, do you have any Eskimo friends? Or perhaps you can be my pen pal? I describe myself as a portly, fortyish, white guy with a Spanish surname. How’s that for diversity. Please provide a response to correct my cowardice.

Respectfully,

Brian Lopez
The Iron Tower
http://www.theirontower.com/
16 South Ave. West
Suite # 220
Cranford, N.J.
07016

Letter to “The Google”

February 4th, 2008

The Head Google Dude
Google
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, C.A.
94043
February 4, 2009

Sir,
Perhaps you have heard of me. My name is Brian Lopez, founder and proprietor of The Iron Tower, a blog located at http://www.theirontower.com/ . I learned recently that “Blogspot”, is a internet company that is in the iron, fascistic grip of The Google. How I came to know google’s ownership of Blogspot was very disturbing.
Support for my blog has been growing exponentially by the day. One young, plucky gentleman, hearing of my vast intelligence, wit, and wisdom, decided to subscribe immediately. So he simply attempted to use his e-mail address. An e-mail address that was acquired years ago. Not so simple. Your blogging site told him he needed a “gmail” account first before gaining a subscription. He told me of this.
After my initial disbelief, I found this to be true. Why someone cannot use any e-mail address is perplexing. So I started to conduct some research on “The Google.” What I have found is a plan for world domination. Here are the facts.

FACT # 1 – The mapping of the planet.
It looks innocent. But without proper maps and charts world domination would be difficult. Your black helicopters and sedans are mapping the planet at an alarming rate. I guess you need to know where everyone lives to put “The Google” chip in our heads. I know your military cartographers remember taking the picture of the drunken Australian Your spies probably just whisked on by, not even offering him an aspirin or “the hair of the dog.”

FACT #2 – If you can’t beat them, buy them.
According to Wikipedia , as of September 2008 “The Google” has bought 54 companies. From internet security companies to Youtube, you own it. There are some very mysterious companies that were gobbled by “The Google”. In example, you purchase of Xunlei, a Chinese “File sharing” company…. Yeah right. The Red Chinese are all about sharing.

Fact # 3 – The Rise of the machines.
Check out this article on Fast Company . The article states you are starting a university so machines can take over the world. “Fittingly, it’s been dubbed Singularity University, after Kurzweil’s much-discussed idea that computers will soon reach a threshold of such great power that they’ll reshape our world.” Oh that is peachy. Now I have to worry about the Cylons or Terminators taking over the world. HEY GOOGLE!!! Just rename your company Skynet and get it over with.

In closing, I realize that this letter is filled with pithy satire. But in all seriousness, can my loyal readers just log on to blog spot with just a regular e-mail account? Please write a response Head Google Dude. You can respond on my blog if you prefer.

Respectfully,

Brian Lopez
The Iron Tower
http://www.theirontower.com/
16 South Ave. West
Suite #220
Cranford, N.J.
07016

The Stimulis Package.

My fellow citizens and mutants,

I thank you for reading my important updates on what is occurring on this mortal coil. As you can imagine I was a supporter of John McCain in the election. His campaign was like watching a car strike a puppy in slow motion. During the weeks after the election, I steadied myself for an Obama presidency. I expected some liberal programs, but after seeing how is cabinet was forming up (he did keep some Bush appointees), I was hopeful for a center left presidency. But this stimulus package has reignited my cold sweats and night tremors. The next time you see the Oval Office do not be surprised if one locates a bust of Marx on the Obama’s desk; and not Groucho Marx!

I have heard numbers like 600 billon or 700 billion. On 01-28-2009, The Wall Street Journal has calculated the number at 825 billion dollars. That is a lot of money. I found a wonderful web site titled “Self Investors” that itemizes some of expenditures of this bill. Here are some of the expenditures:

$4 billion for community activist programs such as ACORN

That’s wonderful. At least my dead grandfather can vote again. He was a good American. Wasn’t this the group who bribed citizens to vote multiple times with packs of Newports?

$650 million for coupons for digital TV conversions

Why is this needed? Who on earth, besides the Uni-bomber, does not have cable or satellite television? And why do I have to pay for people to watch American Idol? And don’t call me uncaring. You know that the majority of the pork rind eating population will not be tuning to 60 Minutes after they receive their free converter.

$50 million for National Endowment of the Arts

From Limbaugh to Hannity, and the other pundits from the right, enough has been said on this one. I do not understand how this would stimulate the economy. What is next? Making an aircraft carrier a floating shelter for the homeless? (I know…. I stole that line from Saturday Night Live).

$335 million for STD prevention

I believe this has been removed from the bill. Nancy Pelosi was a proponent of this section. I have one action for many American males that can prevent STD’s. This will cost the tax payer nothing. Internet porn then go to sleep. I wonder how many calls to Atlantic City prostitutes were stopped because of web surfing on unscrupulous sites? “Wow… I am so sleepy.”

The size of this bill is unfathomable as well. It is 647 pages long. I know that our lawmakers do not use their time wisely. But 647 pages is one hell of a doorstop. Who has time to read this pork laden leviathan? Forget the line item veto. We need a page veto. Even if you voted nay (which I am in agreement with), could you have digested this in a week? Or a month? In closing, I would like to give you a few additions that must be added to this bill. Two of them are revenue generators instead of so called stimuli. I believe you will see that it would be a step in the proper direction for this wonderful country.

#1 – National Lottery

Each state would have it’s own nationally sponsored lottery with the a single ticket costing two dollars. There would be 50 drawings each month in each of the states. The winner of the ticket does not have to pay federal income tax for the rest of his life. People hate paying taxes. It is not a million dollars. But the feeling that a large swath will not be cut out of your paycheck every two weeks will be priceless.

But there has to be two iron clad rules. Number one: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE WINNER PER TICKET. I cannot have a whole iron workers local or a gaggle of elementary school teachers pooling their money together to purchase 400 tickets. One person only!!!!

It’s like Charley with the golden ticket. But every month. Number two: If due to your low income you do not pay Federal Income Taxes, you will receive a wheel of the government cheese and carton of protein enriched biscuits every year until you do. Why would you receive money if you do not pay?

#2 – Adopt a bomb

Or a pallet of bullets, etc, etc, etc. Our government could produce a web site where Americans could pick their favorite weapon. Mine for instance is that AC-130 gunship . I love “Spooky”. You can make tax deductable donation to the weapon system of your choice. You know those commercials you see on television…. “For ninety cents a day you can feed a child; and we will send you a photo of Sally to update you on her progress.” My program would send you kick ass videos and interviews of the pilots, gunners, or soldiers. In their own words they would tell about how your money went to blasting an Islamo-crazy to Allah.
Those were the revenue builders. Now for the revenue generator.

#3 – Federal study on the common housefly’s anus

This makes as much sense as some of the other programs listed in the bill. I am sure that there are entomologists out there who are inquiring about the fly’s anus. How many millions could be poured into research and experiments? For the first time in human history we could find out the diameter of a fly anus? How does the fly wipe? A multitude of questions can be answered.

Well that is all for now. One of my readers was almost strong armed by “the google.” That is for next edition.

Respectfully,
B-LO

Hello fellow citizens and mutants,
I have been posting my thoughts on line for few years now. Some of you remember my on line ranting from “Rasputin’s Ramblings.” It will be similar to that publication, only this will be a blog. A blog with letters that I have written to corporations and politicians. I hope you will enjoy it.

Last night a friend of mine picked my up for a night of multiple pints and debauchery. By chance we drove by the location of Cosi, a restaurant in town. The place was gutted and empty. I didn’t realize that this greasy spoon failed. My heart jumped for joy. The letter attached to this preamble will explain why.

The letter is from 2007. Besides e-mailing it to the corporate office I posted it on Cranford Talk. I am sure my letter warning the public aided in the destruction of Cosi.
————————————————————————————
September 4, 2007

My wife and I spent an enjoyable Labor Day together with the exception of one glitch. This glitch was visiting COSI, the chain restaurant. After riding our bikes into the center of town, we stopped into your restaurant for a salad.

I never ate in a Cosi before. When we walked in we didn’t know whether to sit ourselves or wait for an employee. Not a big deal, an adolescent employee I flagged down told me to make my order at the counter. He provided us with a paper menu. A nice kid, but he needs a ham sandwich and to start hitting the weights.

So we sauntered to the counter to make our order. At the counter I encountered a middle-aged man. This proud Cosi employee, with the girth of Santa and a wrinkled multi-colored tie, took our order. Now I have a beer belly as well. But he needs to quit eating ham sandwiches and have some salads.

The manager then hands me a frayed piece of paper with a number on it. The paper felt slimy, and my imagination wandered for a moment. I wondered where this sticky piece of paper was? Did it fall onto the floor, picking up COSI microbes? Maybe the COSI microbes combined with the Cranfordian, creating a super “COSIFORDIAN” virus. And why was it frayed? At the time I believed that the COSI Corporation had the capital to invest in new laminated paper. Looking a your stock price (4.01 on NASDAQ) maybe I was wrong.

But now the culinary ordeal begins. After eating for about a minute, my wife pulls out a stick from her mouth. Now I know this is not a stick she brought with her to chew on. I was the one with the stick-chewing problem, and twelve-step program cured me of it. She told me that this piece of lumber was in her salad. So she brought the salad and the stick back to the counter.

It is unknown to me what slack jawed employee she spoke with. When she displayed the stick to the person, he proclaimed, “That’s not suppose to be in there.” I am glad that he is familiar with the ingredients of COSI’s culinary delights. He inquired if he wanted another salad. She lost her appetite and responded no. We soon pedaled home, vowing to go to Rockin’ Joe from now on for lunch. I remarked to my wife that the Cranford Family Restaurant has great salads.

I wrote this letter for a few reasons. Now I do not expect a free lunch, but I would of liked to have observed more interest from your restaurant when she located a stick in her salad. I know what you are thinking; technically salad and sticks are both derived from the flora of this planet. And perhaps branches from oak trees are nutritious part of a person’s lunch. But no one seemed to care.

The other reason is this. I have been resident of Cranford for my entire life. I want the Cranford Crossing project to be a success. Serving California Redwoods in salads is not a step in this direction. If Cosi plans to stay (and with a stock price of approximately four dollars it is doubtful) please get it together. Your success is intertwined with Cranford Crossing’s success. And can you please provide a corporate address that people can write to. I know of the powers of the internet, but some people still like to send letters via snail mail on their favorite stationary.

Respectfully,

Brian Lopez